Sexless Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Rebuild Intimacy
"How did we get here?" Couples on their honeymoon never imagine it would happen. Afterall, how could they see all the events of life that would add up over time that culminate into living more like roommates than lovers.
"Is something wrong with us?" It feels like you're the only couple in the world not having sex. And you imagine that everyone else has a satisfying sex life but you.
"Is our marriage in trouble?" The tension keeps building, but neither spouse is talking. It's like a giant elephant is in between the sheets, making it feel like you can't even see your spouse overtop of it, let alone get close enough to touch.
Before reading any further, I want you to stop and take a deep breath. Let me reassure you that you are ok, that many marriages go through seasons or long sexless periods or at least barely having sex together.
When sexual intimacy has been difficult for a long time, both spouses can begin carrying a quiet sense of failure. But when intimacy feels like failure, avoidance can deepen the very disconnection you're hoping to heal.
There are a whole host of reasons why sexless marriages occur. And each marriage has it's own unique set of challenges so it doesn't make sense to compare your marriage to any other marriage out there.
So what should you compare sexual intimacy in your marriage to?
Compare it to God's Word and His design to bless you and your marriage with sexual intimacy. And then think about your highest goal, even above re-connection with your spouse, to be grabbing hold of God's goodness to you. He wants you to live a life of abundance, not one like a desert wasteland.
What is a sexless marriage?
While this question may seem obvious, I want to focus not just on literally having zero sexual intimacy of any sort, but I want to focus on the deeper layers. Here are some questions to really consider.
Are both spouses satisfied with their sexual connection?
Has sexual intimacy significantly decreased or disappeared?
Is at least one spouse hurting because of the lack of connection?
Have you stopped talking about it?
A sexless marriage is NOT just about a married couple having less sex than they used to. Sometimes, couples naturally feel content with a lower frequency together, they are communicating about sex, and do not feel they need more.
A sexless marriage is also NOT about health issues that may arise in one or both spouses that prevent them from being very sexual. In cases of health issues, a couple should still be enjoying what they can, making adjustments, and still talking about the topic of sexual intimacy.
A sexless marriage is often a symptom of something happening underneath the surface.
It typically isn't even just about the sex.
Here is a list of some of those layers that might have contributed to an overall lack of sexual intimacy in marriage: Stress, exhaustion, parenting, resentment, assumptions, selfishness, sexual sin or addiction, unresolved conflict, hormones or health changes, body image, sexual shame, past experiences, rejection, performance anxiety, betrayal, and emotional disconnection.
Typically, once sexual disconnect starts occurring it becomes harder to get back on track because couples claim some of these statements:
"Sexual touch feels awkward now"
"I can't be vulnerable now"
"I don't even know how to bring it up"
"I avoid the topic because I don't want to be hurt with rejection"
Here Are a Few Initial Steps to Take to Rebuild Sexual Intimacy with your Spouse...
Evaluate and Identify
Before assuming your spouse simply isn't interested in sex anymore, it's important to consider what else may be happening to cause the disconnect. Make a list of the things you believe may be contributing to the lack of sex in marriage.
Focus on Non-Sexual Connection
It's important to stop trying to fix the frequency of sex as the main goal. Instead, removing the obstacles, rebuilding vulnerability through non-sexual touch, and establishing good communication about sex is a great foundation.
I have a great program that helps couples rebuild sexual intimacy with guided exercises that build on each other, gradually helping work up to full sexual intimacy without the expectations and without the awkwardness of trying to jump in all at once.
**Book your free discovery call to discuss this option.
Tell your Spouse How You're Feeling About the Sexual Disconnect
Be brave, and share your authentic feelings about not having sex. Tell your spouse you're nervous to bring it up. Don't put any blame on your spouse but instead view it as a challenge you want to work on with your spouse as your teammate. Write down some thoughts ahead of time on how to approach it gently, in a neutral context. Consider asking your spouse when it might be best for he or she to talk together.
If you want to communicate a bit more specifically or find that simply bringing up your feelings about the sexual disconnect helps get the ball rolling, you can consider reading more from my blog on 15 good questions to ask your spouse about sexual intimacy.
Ask God for Help
It's important to remember that we don't face any challenge in marriage alone. We can seek His wisdom, His Word, and find encouragement to face the difficult things we've been avoiding. He loves you both so much and desires restoration and rebuilding of emotional and sexual intimacy!
Sexless Doesn't Have to Mean Hopeless...
Many couples have gone from sexless to having healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling sexual intimacy with each other. It takes a willingness to evaluate the issues, be brave to address them together, and a willingness to create a healthy plan to get back the abundant connection God desires for you!
Ready to rebuild intimacy?
***If you'd like to learn more about my 7-Step plan to help you go from sexless to sexually connected, book your free 20 min Discovery Call HERE.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom." Song of Songs 2:15
Love,
Kristi
