How to Build Deeper Intimacy in Marriage Using the 5 Senses
Have you ever driven somewhere familiar, arrived at your destination, and realized you barely remember the drive? It happens to me all the time!
Our brains are remarkably efficient at putting familiar experiences on autopilot. Unfortunately, this means that intimate experiences with our spouses can end up feeling this same way. And the result?
You end up kinda bored. Disconnected. Going through the motions. There's a popular buzzword for this in culture called "having maintenance sex". When a couple is having maintenance sex, it means they're stuck in a rut. They are doing the same thing over and over again. The husband does the exact same thing to attempt to get his wife to orgasm. The wife moves the same predictable ways, and neither one of them are feeling emotionally, spiritually, or even physically connected.
Is it ok to have a favorite "go to" experience with sexual intimacy? Of course. And sometimes it's not really feasible to plan for experiences that foster a deeper connection. That's ok!
However, What I have seen happen to couples, is that they let the routine start dictating their entire sexual intimacy and relational intimacy as well. And when that happens, often couples stop communicating about sex. They stop connecting deeply with one another. They may start struggling with fantasy outside of their connection and yet don't even feel comfortable sharing their desire with their spouse.
God designed our bodies with an extraordinary capacity to experience connection with our spouse through sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.
When we intentionally engage these senses, we can begin shifting our focus from performance, distraction, and routine toward presence, appreciation, and deep connecting intimacy.
The book of Songs of Songs describes a hot-for-each-other couple who engage in an experience through all of their senses. Check out this example from chapter 4, verses 9-11: “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.”
This poetry illustrates how delight and desire can involve multiple senses.
Here's three ways engaging the 5 senses can specifically enhance your intimacy:
Sensory awareness can interrupt distracting thoughts.
During intimacy, people can easily get distracted by thoughts about their appearance, performance, responsibilities, their spouse's expectations, or fantasy elsewhere.
By intentionally noticing physical sensations, sounds, or visual stimulation, you can redirect your attention toward the present experience.
Research published via "Yale News" reports that sudden shifts in any sensory input light up deep core brain regions, which regulate attention and awareness.
New Sensory experiences can cultivate desire.
Scientifically, the brain is typically wired to get excited about new experiences. Intentionally planning for an experience with a focus on the 5 senses builds anticipation for sexual intimacy.
Sensory focus targets the back of orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) which evaluates how much you like or value something. This sensory input triggers immediate, tangible value assessments. The closer, more concrete, and more vivid a sensory experience feels, the faster the brain evaluates it as highly valuable, instantly escalating basic interest into overwhelming desire.
Greater awareness of the body can strengthen communication.
When you make a decision to incorporate unique sensory experiences into your sexual intimacy, it lends itself to a higher degree of communication with your spouse.
For example, you might decide together which of the 5 senses to focus on more in any given planned time together (both sexually and non-sexually). You might communicate about what sounds pleasurable to you verses what doesn't sound appealing. You might communicate non-verbally or verbally more throughout your time together. And afterward, it's good to communicate about how things went for both of you, make changes for next time, or agree you'd like to do something similar again.
Intentionally engaging in your senses during sexual intimacy is not an isolated skill! It's the top of a pyramid of foundational work you're doing in the other areas within your marriage that are non-sexual.
It's part of a larger practice of becoming more attentive to yourself, your spouse, God's design, and your relationship.
Also, the intentionality you practice in sexual intimacy can influence how you approach the less exciting aspects of marriage.
Lastly, remaining mentally and emotionally present within your sexual intimacy with your spouse is not simply about engaging in the 5 senses. There are many reasons, some of them that need deep healing work in order to be able to show up in a connected, mutually pleasurable way in intimacy.
Whether you find yourself needing to navigate either practical skills for how to build intimacy in marriage, or you need deep healing work, I'm here to help!
You can book a free discovery call here! Or email me at: kristi@abidinglovecoach.com
Over the next 5 weeks I'll explore some practical tips on each of the 5 senses so you have an idea to discuss with your spouse on how to connect more intimately together! Stay tuned!
Love,
Kristi
