Using Sight to Build Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: More Than Meets the Eye
When you look at the photo above, you can either think it's really creepy or it's really romantic!
My husband and I were on a trip to New Orleans once and got sucked into this neat shop that will magnify your eyeball, and if you have a partner, will do the same and then create a unique piece of art based on the microscopic details of the eyeball. Iris Photography & Custom Iris Art | Cosmic Eye – COSMIC EYE Iris Photo
I thought it was a beautiful idea because if something ever happens to him, I'll be thankful to have this detailed piece of him.
I don't often think about the fact that without my eyesight, the world and all of my experiences in it would be very different. Our eyes are one of the most complex organs in our bodies!
When we look at a visual stimulus, our brains have the capacity to zero in on it or to tune it out completely. This scientific fact is the very reason why we can focus on being attuned to our sense of sight in order to deepen emotional and sexual intimacy with our spouse.
If you missed this first part in a 6-part series, I encourage you to go back and read that one first about how incorporating focus on the 5 senses deepens intimacy and connection and learn how to build sexual intimacy in marriage.
Our visual experiences can influence sexual interest, anticipation, and arousal, but visual preferences vary considerably between individuals. Though the male brain is wired to focus on visual stimulation as a pathway to arousal, both men and women rely highly on what they see in order to build a sexual response to desire.
It's important to start with understanding what you personally find visually appealing in building arousal. If you've never really actually named it, maybe journal what environment, what specific parts of your spouse, what visual stimuli build the most desire. And then write what types of environments, visual stimuli dampen your sexual desire.
Next, share with your spouse after they have done the same exercise, the lists of what turns you on and what turns you off in terms of visual stimulation.
Note, it's not helpful to tell your spouse you would like to see "bigger breasts, a bigger butt, larger muscles, smaller waist, etc." It's important to EDIFY your spouse and describe the things that are within their control with an affirming voice.
If vision can influence desire, how can married couples intentionally use it to strengthen their sexual relationship?
7 Practical Ways to Use Sight to Build Sexual Intimacy:
Make Intentional Eye Contact
Eye contact can create a sense of presence, vulnerability, and emotional connection. Slow down and look into each other's eyes during affectionate moments, kissing, and sexual intimacy. **Bonus: At least once a week, spend a 2-3 min, silent eye-contact practice with your spouse. Notice what emotions arise.
Create an Environment that Invites Visual Pleasure
Lighting, color, and atmosphere can influence how comfortable and connected spouses feel. This should be one of your discussion topics with your spouse. Maybe one likes the lights on bright, and the other likes dark or soft candlelight. When your preferences differ, change things up so that both of you can enjoy the environment that cultivates connection/sexual arousal the most.
It can be fun to occasionally set up an environment that seems exciting to both of you.
Talk about options together, making sure you both feel comfortable with the idea.
Prepare ahead of time! It might be a great idea to have a bin or drawers for things to set
up for a particular mood, desire, scene, etc.
Keep your bedroom clean, bed made, and environment with the least amount of
distracting issues that could hinder a positive and connecting experience.
Discover What Your Spouse Finds Visually Appealing
Don't forget that it's not just about your own pleasure. Ask your spouse what he/she finds visually appealing. Clothing, colors, hairstyles, expressions, and intentional presentation can all contribute to attraction.
You should do your best to be visually appealing to your spouse. Do you have to be
perfect and dressed like a Victorian Queen or a Handsome Knight every day? No way.
But should you put effort into taking care of your body, wearing clothes that make
you feel good about yourself and look appealing to your spouse? Yes, definitely.
You need to hold tension of being who you are authentically, accepting your spouse
authentically and fully, and also loving your spouse enough to give them your best self.
Practice Noticing Rather than Simply Looking
Notice your spouse's facial expressions, the way they respond to affection and sexual touch, their smile, or signs of relaxation and enjoyment. **Bonus: During your next sexual experience, intentionally notice 3 things about your spouse that you appreciate but rarely acknowledge.
Here's a non-sexual example: Instead of seeing a red apple in front of you, focus on the details of this apple in order to appreciate it in a more profound way. Is it deep or bright red? Is there a natural shine? Are there any dots on the skin? Bruises? Does it have a short or long stem?
Now, if you were to pick up the apple and intentionally take a bite, you're more likely to enjoy the apple more fully because you made a conscious choice to focus on the details before you consumed it.
Build Visual Anticipation Before Sex and In Other Contexts
Couples often lose sexual desire and excitement because they ignore the things they did when they first were dating or married. When you look at each other as a "glance," take time to enjoy the moment through built chemistry. If you're not feeling chemistry, you can get that back with some work!
**Bonus: Develop a private visual signal that communicates attraction or anticipation with your spouse in a more public context.
Use Visual Memories to Rekindle Connection
Look through photos from meaningful experiences, your wedding, romantic trips, early dating days, etc., to rebuild and keep your emotional and sexual connection strong. Is it ok to share sexual photos with one another as a Christian? I think that needs to be a personal conviction and decision that should be discussed with some critical questions and guidelines to guide you. First, does each person feel safe, trusting, and comfortable? How are the photos used, and are they held in a safe place that's locked physically or digitally? Are they triggering in a negative way? These are some guidelines on that to start the conversation if needed...
Learn to Recognize Your Spouse's Nonverbal Communication
Your eyes help perceive whether your spouse is comfortable, relaxed, hesitant, happy, angry, or engaged. Being visually attentive can strengthen emotional and sexual attunement.
Notice nonverbal responses, but don't assume you always know what they mean. Ask,
"How does this feel for you?" or "What would help you feel more connected?" as
examples.
When Visual Stimulation Becomes a Barrier Rather Than a Bridge
Visual stimulation can strengthen covenant intimacy, but comparison and unrealistic expectations can undermine it.
Pornography, lusting after other people, and idealized social media images are absolutely harmful and distort expectations about bodies, performance, and sexual experiences.
Lustful objectification is about self-gratification and destroys intimacy in marriage, whether your spouse knows about it or not.
Jesus gives a stark warning in Matthew 5:27-29 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."
I know this passage seems extreme, and Jesus doesn't literally command people to gouge out their eyeballs. He is getting at the heart of the human condition of both men and women. He's serious about us making a commitment to rid ourselves of this sin because it hurts our spouse, it hurts our own soul, and it hurts him.
If you're struggling with lust and want to be free from it, I have some great resources to share. Email me at:kristi@abidinglovecoach.com
God designed our eyes to perceive beauty, so instead of consuming it for self-gratification, turn it to glorifying God for his creation and let it motivate you to focus on the Creator, to have a posture of gratitude for your spouse, and God's gift to you in the body and heart of your own spouse.
Scripture does not portray physical attraction within marriage as something shameful. Song of Songs demonstrates the joy of seeing, admiring, and delighting in one's spouse. Because God is not a God who withholds, He is a God who delights in our pleasure and uses sexual intimacy to point to the intimacy of covenant love with Himself.
If you'd like a free resource to help facilitate healthy conversation about visual preferences in sexual intimacy, email me!Kristi@abidinglovecoach.com
If you're struggling with a deeper level of sexual intimacy, you can set up a freeDISCOVERY CALL for coaching with mehere! I'm happy to walk alongside you to cultivate healing and healthy intimacy whether you are single, engaged, or married!
Love,
Kristi
