How to Communicate a Sexual Desire Without Shame

Overcoming shame in communication about sexual desire in marriage can be challenging.

I talk to couples frequently who struggle to communicate with their spouse about their sexual desire and pleasure. There are many things that prevent honest and open communication about sex. The main obstacle, especially in Christian marriage, is shame.

Many times, individuals can struggle with their own desire to try something new with their spouse simply because they fear it might seem sinful. This fear often stems from the belief that anything outside of missionary position love-making on a bed at night in the dark is inappropriate. Other times, you may find yourself grappling with sinful desires internally, making it difficult to determine which feelings are "okay" or "not okay."

Both husbands and wives fear rejection from their spouse or worry about their spouse's reaction to a sexual desire. That's natural. None of us want to risk vulnerability and expose ourselves to ridicule in any way.

So how can you gain confidence in yourself, in God's will, and show up authentically? How can you reach a point of growth in your sexual intimacy with your spouse?

Remind Yourself of Truth

God created sexual pleasure in marriage; it is good, not shameful (see Genesis 2:25 and the book of Song of Songs). If you're unsure whether a sexual desire is sinful, study God's Word. This will help you be confident about the boundaries He has for your marriage. I believe there are certain boundaries that are clear, and it’s essential to ask God for wisdom and discernment in areas that may have differing personal convictions.

However, be cautious not to justify sin. For example, if you're tempted to lust, don’t use your spouse as an "object of lust." Remember that when your desire aligns with God's Word, you're not asking for something wrong; you're inviting deeper connection.

Pray Before You Speak

Before discussing your sexual desires, ask God for humility, courage, and unity. Invite the Holy Spirit into the conversation. You don’t have to exclude God from discussions about sex.

Lead with Connection, Not the Request

Begin with affirmation toward your spouse. For example, say, "I love being close to you and cherish our moments together." This approach lowers defensiveness and builds trust and safety, which are essential in the foundation of intimacy. Use "I" language and avoid putting pressure on your spouse. Instead of blaming them for any lack of sexual connection, express your feelings: "I've been feeling a desire for... because..." or "I would love to explore... because...".

Gently ask if it's something your spouse would be open to trying together, just like discussing a unique date night opportunity.

Normalize Vulnerability Out Loud

Gently name any awkwardness or insecurity you may feel about sharing your desires. Remind your spouse that you trust them with your emotions. This openness fosters a safe space for both of you.

Be Specific

Clarity helps your spouse understand how to love you well. Pair the specifics of your request with a gentle spirit that allows you to listen to your partner's feedback. If they seem hesitant, avoid feeling shut down emotionally.

Create a Safe Setting

The best time to make a request or discuss a sexual desire is not during sex! Choose a relaxing and private place when sex isn't directly on the table. Being patient with your spouse and reassuring them that your emotional connection is most important can make a significant difference. Sometimes, it can be beneficial to talk directly after sex. Express your gratitude for the experience together, discuss what you enjoyed most, and then share something you desire for next time.

Resist Having Expectations

Sex is a precious gift God has given to married couples. It’s a freedom for pleasure and should be something to celebrate and look forward to. However, you and your spouse are two different individuals. You might not always align on desires or what brings you pleasure, and that’s okay! It’s not your spouse's job to fulfill every need.

When your spouse declines a request, trust God with it. Don’t take it personally, feel rejected, or harbor resentment. See your sexual intimacy as a give-and-take situation, where compromise is needed, just like in every other area of your relationship.

Affirm After Vulnerability

Whether or not your spouse agrees to your request, thank them for listening and for being emotionally connected during your discussion. This affirmation strengthens your bond.

The more you communicate about sex with your spouse, the better your sexual intimacy will be. Even if you're not aligned on everything, don’t shut down the conversation. Lean into each other with love and compassion.

Sometimes couples simply need better questions to begin having meaningful conversations about sexual intimacy.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

If you would like additional help navigating communication on desire, I have a great worksheet on specific desire boundaries that might be a helpful tool for you and your spouse to discuss together. Email me at: kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi