How to Share a Sexual Desire Without Shame

I talk to couples frequently who struggle to communicate with their spouse about their sexual desire and pleasure. There are a lot of things that prevent honest and open communication about sex. The main obstacle especially in Christian marriage, is shame.

Many times, individuals can struggle with their own desire to try something new with their spouse simply because they are scared it might seem sinful if it's anything besides missionary position love-making on a bed at night in the dark.

Other times, it may be that you actually are struggling with sinful desires internally and it may be difficult to determine which desire should feel "ok" or "not ok".

Both husbands and wives fear rejection from their spouse or fear their spouse's reaction to a sexual desire. That's natural. None of us want to risk vulnerability and expose ourselves to ridicule in any way.

So how can you gain confidence in yourself, in God's will, and show up authentically so that you can get to the point of growth in your sexual intimacy with your spouse?

Remind Yourself of Truth

God created sexual pleasure in marriage - it is good, not shameful (Ex: Genesis 2:25 and book of Song of Songs). If you are unsure if a sexual desire is sinful or not, study for yourself in God's Word to make sure you can be confident on what boundaries He does have for your marriage. I believe there are certain boundaries that are clear and believe it's important to ask God for wisdom and discernment in the areas that might have differing personal convictions. Make sure though that you are not trying to justify sin. For example, if you're tempted to lust don't try to use your spouse your "object of lust".

Remember that when your desire isn't going against God's Word, then you're not asking for something wrong - you're inviting deeper connection.

Pray Before You Speak

Ask God for humility, courage, and unity. Invite the Holy Spirit into the conversation and start with this approach with your spouse. You don't have to exclude God from sexual conversations.

Lead with Connection, Not the Request

Begin with affirmation toward your spouse. For example, "I love being close to you and love it when we....". This lowers defensiveness and builds trust and safety which are non-negotiables in the foundation of sex. Use "I" language and don't put pressure on your spouse. Be careful not to blame your spouse for any lack of sexual connection. Instead, say "I've been feeling a desire for... because ..." or "I would love to explore ... because ...".

Ask gently if it's something your spouse would be open to trying together, just like if you were discussing a unique date night opportunity you wanted to try.

Normalize Vulnerability Out Loud

Gently name the awkwardness you feel or the insecurity you may have about sharing. Remind your spouse that you trust them with your emotions.

Be Specific

Clarity helps your spouse succeed in loving you well. Pair the specifics of your request with a gentle spirit that can also listen to your partner's feedback without feeling shut down emotionally if he or she is hesitant.

Create a Safe Setting

The best time to make a request or discuss a sexual desire is not during sex! Choose a relaxing and private place when sex isn't directly on the table in the moment. Being patient with your spouse and reassuring them that your emotional connection with them is most important. Sometimes it can be good to talk directly after sex, pointing out your thankfulness for the experience together and then discussing what you liked most and then discuss something you desire for next time.

Resist Having Expectations

Sex is an important gift God has given to married couples. It's the freedom for pleasure and should be something to celebrate and look forward to. But the reality is also that you and your spouse are two different human beings made of flesh and might not align on desires or what brings you pleasure. That's ok! It's not your spouse's job to fulfill you in every way. So accept that they might not want to try something or might not meet your request. What do you do when that happens? You trust God with it. You don't take it personally or feel rejected or harbor resentment. You see your sexual intimacy as a give-and-take situation where compromise is needed just like in every other area of your relationship.

Affirm After Vulnerability

Whether or not your spouse agrees to your request, thank him or her for listening and for being emotionally connected to you through your discussion together.

The more you communicate about sex with your spouse, the better your sexual intimacy will be so even if you're not aligned on everything, don't shut down and stop discussing it. Lean into each other with love and compassion.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

If you would like additional help navigating communication on desire, I have a great worksheet on specific desire boundaries that might be a helpful tool for you and your spouse to discuss together. Email me at: kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi