Are Sex Toys ok in Christian Marriage?

Sex Toys in Marriage: Connection, Conviction, and Cultivating Intimacy

In conversations about sexual intimacy within marriage, few topics stir as much curiosity and tension as the use of sex toys. For some couples, they feel like a helpful tool to enhance pleasure and explore one another more fully. For others, they raise concerns about morality, replacement, or disconnection. Clients often want guidance and direction in this area of their intimacy.

If we approach this topic with wisdom, humility, and a commitment to honoring both God and one another, we can move beyond surface-level opinions and into something deeper: understanding why we feel the way we do, and how to pursue true intimacy together.

God makes a lot of things very clear in His word. That includes keeping the marriage covenant pure between husband and wife alone.  But just like in other areas of life, there are matters of personal conviction. And this is what we need to examine carefully.  If I meet with a couple who feel using any toy of any sort is wrong, then it is wrong for them.  If I meet with a couple who feel it’s ok and good when they are using them mindfully and submitted to the authority of God, then that is right for them.  The goal I have for this article, is to simply help you process this as a couple and focus on the things that are important to have mindfulness toward in the use of sexual tools for pleasure.

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.”

Philippians 1:9-11

Honoring Convictions and Concerns

Before discussing potential benefits, it’s important to acknowledge that hesitation around sex toys is not only valid, but it also often comes from a place of deep care.

Some common concerns include:

• Fear that toys replace a spouse rather than enhance connection

• Worry about introducing something impersonal into a deeply personal space

• Convictions shaped by faith, modesty, or past experiences

• Concerns about dependency or comparison

• A desire to keep intimacy simple and centered only on the couple

These concerns deserve respect, not dismissal. A healthy marriage is not built on pressure or persuasion, but on unity. If one spouse feels uneasy, that matters. Moving forward without emotional safety will always damage intimacy more than any tool could help. So please keep this in mind when discussing this with your spouse.

I would not recommend surprising your spouse with a toy, for example, if you’ve not already had discussion on this and both feel physically and emotionally safe with any particular toy.

One type may be acceptable to a couple, while another type may not. So don’t just assume your spouse is comfortable with any specific toy or tool.

The Foundation: Connection Over Technique

Sexual intimacy was never meant to be reduced to performance, novelty, or technique. At its core, it is about:

• Being fully known and fully accepted

• Giving and receiving pleasure in love

• Emotional and spiritual connection expressed physically

No object, no matter how helpful, can replace these things.

If a couple is struggling with:

• Emotional distance

• Unresolved conflict

• Lack of trust

• Shame or insecurity

Introducing sex toys will not fix the issue. In fact, it may mask the deeper problem or even create further distance. Connection must always come before enhancement.

When It May Not Be Appropriate

There are certain situations where using sex toys can actually harm intimacy rather than help.

1. When It Replaces Instead of Enhances

If a toy becomes a substitute for a spouse, emotionally or physically, it shifts intimacy away from connection and toward self-focused gratification. This includes if it causes you to shift your focus mentally away from your spouse during sex.

2. When There Is Pressure or Unequal Desire

If one spouse feels pressured to use toys or uncomfortable expressing their true feelings, emotional safety is compromised. True intimacy cannot thrive where there is coercion or fear.

3. When It Avoids Vulnerability

Sometimes, tools can become a way to avoid deeper connection:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Avoiding communication

• Avoiding emotional presence

Intimacy requires vulnerability. Anything that consistently bypasses that should be reevaluated.

4. When It Conflicts with Personal or Spiritual Convictions

For some couples, their faith or personal convictions lead them to choose not to incorporate toys, and that is completely valid. Unity in conviction is far more important than experimentation.

When It Can Be Beneficial

For couples who feel aligned, safe, and connected, sex toys can serve as a tool, not a replacement, to enhance intimacy. Here are some examples of situations that when used with boundaries, can help a couple’s sexual connection.

1. Exploring Pleasure Together

Every person’s body is different. Toys can help couples learn more about each other’s responses, preferences, and sensitivities together.

2. Supporting Physical Challenges

In seasons where there are:

• Hormonal changes

• Postpartum recovery

• Medical conditions

• Differences in libido

Tools can sometimes help bridge gaps and allow both spouses to experience enjoyment and connection.

3. Increasing Playfulness and Curiosity

Marriage benefits from ongoing discovery. Introducing something new, when done in unity can create a sense of shared exploration and fun.

4. Enhancing, Not Replacing, Connection

When used with intention, toys can:

• Keep focus on each other

• Encourage communication

• Build anticipation and creativity

The key is that the spouse remains the focus, not the object.

Questions for Discernment as a Couple

Rather than asking, “Is this allowed?” a more fruitful question is:

“Does this draw us closer in love, unity, and connection?”

Consider discussing:

• Do we both feel safe, respected, and heard?

• Are we using this to enhance connection or avoid something deeper?

• Does this align with our shared values and convictions?

• Are we still fully present with one another emotionally and physically?

• Is our intimacy rooted in love, or drifting toward performance?

A Christ-Centered Perspective on Intimacy

For couples of faith, intimacy is not just physical, it’s spiritual. It reflects:

• Mutual self-giving

• Honor and delight

• Unity and oneness

Anything introduced into that space should support those purposes, not compete with them.

God designed intimacy not just for pleasure, but for connection, bonding, and covenant expression. The greatest gift in that space is not a tool, it is your presence, your heart, and your willingness to know and be known.

Sex toys in marriage are not inherently the solution nor inherently the problem. The heart posture behind their use is what matters most.

A healthy framework looks like:

• Connection first 

• Unity in decision-making 

• Emotional safety always 

• Tools as enhancement, never replacement 

At the end of the day, the primary goal is not a more exciting sex life, it’s a more connected marriage. Because the deepest intimacy is not found in what you use…but in how fully you give yourself to one another.

If you and your spouse agree that toys can be a helpful tool for you, it can be tough to shop for one in a space that feels safe and aligned with values.  Some of the safer options include shopping on Amazon as they typically don’t have sexually explicit photos to avoid while shopping.

There are also a few online stores that avoid pornographic visuals. Two exmamples include:

www.marieddance.com and www.covenantspice.com  

**These sites promote no nudity shopping, but again use your personal conviction in exploring even these sites and what they have for sale. I want to express that it’s possible you feel comfortable with certain toys they sell and not all toys they sell. That’s ok. Please do what you and your spouse feel most comfortable to do. I do recommend looking for any toy TOGETHER so that it does not appear to lead down an unintended path online.

Also, you can get creative! Use objects that are not specifically intended as a sex toy for a fun tool. I’m sure you can find many in your own home. A fun date idea might be to go to Target and look for a household item that can be used for fun in the bedroom…  Just make sure to sanitize before and after, lol. Use caution and common sense toward physical safety with any items.  

An important thing to note is that you need to buy high quality items, not cheaply made things because of the need for physical health to protect against breakage, breakdown, or other safety issues. 

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God"

1 Corinthians:10:31

If you would like any additional guidance in this area, reach out. kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi