When Intimacy Feels Like Failure

It's natural for humans to avoid pain points in their lives. We all sometimes just want to bury our head in the sand when things aren't going well. We do this because it can feel unbearable to face consequences, uncomfortable to face failure, disappointing to realize things aren't exactly wonderful.

People sometimes rationalize their experience, telling themselves statements like:

"It will probably get better."

"It's just the season we are in right now."

"I don't want to hurt my spouse."

"What if something's wrong with me?"

"What if talking about it makes things worse?"

"Maybe this is just what marriage life is like now.."

"Well, things could be a lot worse."

I am naturally a conflict avoider and so I can relate to these statements so much. But what I have learned is that avoidance will never solve the issues. Instead, when we avoid the hard talk or seeking help, often times the problems get worse. They don't get better on their own.

We will have struggles in marriage, in every area, including intimacy.

Intimacy struggles do not necessarily mean that your marriage is failing, or that you're sexually broken. It doesn't equate to your spouse not loving you. And it does not mean that you will never experience satisfying intimacy.

God designed men and women to be very unique from each other and that means that usually there will be differences in each spouse's needs in the area of emotional and physical intimacy. And that's ok.

Experiencing low desire, difficulty becoming or staying aroused, erectile difficulties, painful sex, mismatched desire, emotional disconnection, resentment, shame, or simply feeling like you've lost the spark are signals worth paying attention to, but not verdicts on your marriage.

When a couple is committed to the covenant that they made with each other and with God, I believe that they can work together as a team to overcome challenges they face, when they have the wisdom to not bury it or catastrophize those problems.

The first step to take with one another when experiencing difficulties in intimacy is to name what isn't working - without blaming each other.

Here's some questions to ask yourself:

"What exactly am I struggling with?"

"When did I first notice the change?"

"What am I feeling - fear, rejection, pressure, disappointment, shame?"

"What do I wish were different?"

Write these answers down before discussing them with your spouse.

The second step is to get curious instead of catastrophic.

Instead of worrying statements like,

"She's not attracted to me."

"He doesn't want me anymore."

"Something must be wrong with me."

"We're becoming roommates."

Try to notice where you've been less connected lately, and share your emotions about this with your spouse. Ask how your spouse has been feeling about the connection and see if there are any similar emotions or experiences.

Work together as a team to make a plan to be more connected with one another and share the need that you might have that will help you feel more connected.

Lastly, take one courageous step to work on the struggle.

It may not be helpful to try to fix everything all at once. Most often, taking one step is the key to getting back on track in your marriage intimacy.

Some first steps include:

• Have the first conversation you've been avoiding.

• Schedule intentional time together without the pressure for sexual intimacy.

• Talk honestly about desire.

• Address one unresolved hurt.

• See a physician about any medically related concerns.

• Seek intimacy coaching and explore a plan that will help create the intentional steps needed.

You don't have to know how to fix everything. You only need enough courage to take the next healthy step.

Remember, you don't have to pretend everything is fine in order to protect your marriage. Reject any shame about it because God wants you to have an abundant life that is full of His love and grace for you.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

If you need help, reach out - I'm here : kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi