Wisdom and Sex

I started reading in the book of Proverbs again this morning, and I love knowing that it's the book known as the book of wisdom, written by King Solomon, the wisest earthly king to live in biblical times. It's clear in this book that the overall message is that the minds that lack the wisdom of God's Spirit and truth are foolish and the result is death and destruction. But the mind that is full of God's wisdom bring life and abundance. I don't mean an abundance of wealth, but an abundance of peace, of life-giving relationship, self-worth, and intimacy with Christ.

The Word mentions the word "WISDOM" over 200 times, and I believe this is the greatest gift we can ask God to give us for how we navigate life, including our marriage relationship.

1 Corinthians 2:12-14 says this: "What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom, but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit."

What this teaches us is that we have to be abiding in the Spirit, (we've invited Him to indwell within us through salvation, and be obedient to His Word) in order to have wisdom and discernment.

Culture will absolutely attempt to decide what actions and beliefs you should hold around sex. It doesn't speak with wisdom, it speaks with basic level fleshly desires and leads to death in decay in the end.

How often do you actually seek God's wisdom for sex?

Many Christians may have a general understanding that adultery is wrong, or that lusting after others is wrong, but many don't go deeper on asking God for wisdom in how they handle their own sexuality and desire within themselves and with their spouse. They might hide in shame for their sexuality, but God knows all of your sexual thoughts and actions, so bring them to Him. Seek wisdom from His Word and the Spirit, seek godly wise counsel if needed, and heal from the shame that keeps you stuck.

The truth is, there will always be tension in sexuality. We are flawed and sinful and so we won't be perfect in our thoughts and actions. But, growing in wisdom can help us submit sexual desires, sexual thoughts and fantasy, as well as sexual actions to His authority.

Often time, couples lack good communication skills and boundaries around their sexual intimacy together. The boundaries may be a little murky. Or they bury their heads in the sand and just do what feels good in the moment rather than cultivate sexual intimacy through the lens of God's wisdom.

Here are 4 examples of some of the things you should discuss with God and with your spouse as examples that seek wisdom for sexual intimacy:

1. What actions together do we feel honor one another and honor God but are also free for us to explore with pleasure, wonder, and excitement in marriage? Which ones do we feel we need to avoid (not because of embarrassment or shame or fear)?

2. What speech do we feel comfortable using during sexual intimacy? For example, some couples will feel dirty talk can have a place in marriage if each couple feel valued, loved, cherished and honored and simply use it to cultivate desire with each other alone. (Some couples will feel this is unwise and some will feel it is wise for them). This is why communication and seeking wisdom is important! There are always cases that certain speech will be unwise and against God, this takes careful discernment.

3. What are we listening to, watching, in media? This takes wisdom and discernment as well as communication on what is wise and unwise.

4. What environmental situations, props, role-play, toys, do you feel are wise vs. unwise for your marriage?

I have a great worksheet on communication about specific views on sexual intimacy exploration for couples to use to help communicate together. Reach out if you want to do a session to discuss this more, I'm happy to help!

The bottom line is, you need to be abiding in the Word, in prayer, and in fellowship with wise believers in order to be a wise spouse and have wisdom for your sexual and emotional intimacy in marriage.

If you lack wisdom, ask God for it as the bible instructs that this is what you should do!

I want to leave you with these words from 1 Corinthians 10:23: "You say, 'I am allowed to do anything' - but not everything is good for you. You say, 'I am allowed to do anything' - but not everything is beneficial."

In the end, you may think what you're doing isn't technically a sin. But if it isn't benefiting your marriage, your relationship with God, then you shouldn't engage in it period.

Love,

Kristi

kristi@abidinglovecoach.com