The Importance of Aftercare

Making love with your spouse can have all kinds of flavors. Sometimes you may take things beautifully slow and romantic and speak sweet nothings into one another's ears. You might feel completely emotionally and spiritually connected the whole time and just bask in the afterglow once everything is finished. Usually making love this way lends itself to a connected cuddle afterwards.

Other times, though your love making may be a quickie because you're both tired, or rushed, or just found it too hot to resist a slow buildup of foreplay and romance.

And sometimes you might feel in the mood for a bit more of a rough passion that includes positions not so conducive to eye-contact and sweet slow love making. Maybe you enjoy a scene playing with toys, a consensual playful dynamic, etc. (all boundaries within God's Word).

In all of these cases, I want to talk about the importance of emotional and physical care after your love-making no matter what the flavor.

Let me start by reiterating the fact that every time you are sexual with your spouse, you must be on the same consensual agreement beforehand with good communication so that both spouses feel safe emotionally and physically. That is a non-negotiable starting point.

But an area that I think couples, especially men, can improve in is taking the time after sexual intimacy, to see the post-sex intimacy as just as important as foreplay and sex itself. If you have the most amazing sex but fail to wrap a beautiful bow on it at the end, it could hurt your overall emotional intimacy together.

I highlight that though both couples need this, women especially need to feel loved, emotionally connected, and cherished after sex. Men tend to feel loved though sex, but women tend to feel loved apart from sexual intimacy more.

All too often, I have heard of men who disengage too quickly from their spouse directly after sex. They may compartmentalize the act and then their brain may be ready to the next thing.

It is critical to slow down the post-sex connection.

Stay engaged with your spouse, and make sure you've made them feel loved, cherished, appreciated. Even if you're busy, even if the time is rushed.

Here are some quick tips for post-sexual intimacy after-care:

1. Don't jump up from bed or put your clothes back on. I know sometimes sex makes a mess. If you really feel uncomfortable physically, keep some wet-wipes next to the bed to clean up while in bed together.

2. Hold your spouse in your arms in a loving embrace. Stroke their face, hair, lightly rub their body.

3. Make deep eye-contact especially if you did not do much of that during your sexual connection.

4. Verbally affirm your spouse, how they made you feel and the experience you had together. Talk about what you enjoyed the most together. If there was an issue you need to discuss that wasn't positive, save it until a bit later before you discuss it. Reminisce together.

5. Pray together and thank God for the fun, loving, pleasure He designed for you to experience within the boundary of covenant marriage.

6. Have a little water beside you prepared for a hard workout love-making session. All that work can leave you a bit dehydrated!

7. Consider even having a little post-sex healthy snack nearby to enjoy together if you burned a ton of energy.

8. Think about how you will continue to be sensual with your spouse after you do get up. Can you take a shower or bath together? Can you help your spouse put their clothes back on? Maybe rub their body with some lotion?

9. Think of your after-care of your spouse as a continuation until the next time you have another sexual intimate moment with them. Sex should be a flow, not an event that takes place, just to be out of mind until the next time you feel "horny or in the mood".

10. Stay off of your phone!!!! For the love of all things godly, do not bring your phone to the bed and be tempted to look at it right after you are finished making love. Keep that marriage bed pure from distraction, focus on your spouse and give them your full attention.

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body."

Ephesians 5:28-30

If you're struggling with intimacy, email me at kristi@abidinglovecoach.com I'm here to help!

Love,

Kristi