Sexual Messages: Parents

I don’t recall many conversations with my mom about sex. And definitely none with my father. I bet most of us came from a home that was pretty absent of sex education.

What I do remember… one time my mom told me that “If I had sex before I was married” she would be disappointed in me.

At that point in my teenage life, I really wasn’t motivated to please her. In fact, I did the opposite of what she expected of me because I had a rebellious heart. I was a girl who felt I had a lot of rules from my mom but not a balance of relationship.

Establishing rules without relationship doesn’t usually equate to anyone wanting to follow those rules.

I ended up having sex with almost any guy who gave me the attention I craved. I loved Jesus but I didn’t have a maturity of understanding my own emotional needs and so left unguided, I turned to behaviors that led to my own deep heartbreak.

I was a bit of a snooping kid also, so I remember finding a book on sex in my parent's bedroom drawer. It was pretty cringeworthy material, mostly a 1970's book on fundamental mechanics and I vividly remember being horrified by the fact that the naked drawings of the female had very hairy armpits, ha ha!

My parents weren't affectionate toward each other, they were quite formal in their interactions, and their relationship was quite dysfunctional. I didn't have a good example of what healthy intimacy looks like in marriage.

That put me at a severe disadvantage in my own initial attitudes about intimacy.

We all need healthy modeling as a source of understanding.

If you didn't have a healthy model, God's word is your model, as well as lots of other amazing tools for Christian couples to turn to, including sex coaching...

What about you? What messages did you receive from your parents about sex, either intentionally or unintentionally?

How has that affected your sexuality, your shame about your past, or intimacy with your spouse? Reflect on how that might still affect you today. Share this with your spouse. You might have a good laugh together, or a good cry. Either way, it's a way to draw close to each other today.

Lastly, if you have children, think about what messages you're sending them about sex and intimacy in marriage. I think we have an important responsibility to give them healthy boundaries built on safe and loving relationship with them. I think it's important to give them accurate age-appropriate and comprehensive discussions about sex and emotional intimacy, not just the basics.

If you need help, reach out and I'd be glad to provide a few resources.

Love,

Kristi