Husbands, How to Turn on Your Wife

I recently spoke to a woman whose voice echoed many other women I know. She said she has lost a physical desire to be intimate, for her husband. She often made excuses to avoid sex, and when she did have sex with him, she would just try to “hurry and get it over with” …

The thing is, it’s pretty obvious to her husband when she “pretends” and then it just escalates the tension in their relationship and physical intimacy.

After we started digging deeper into our conversation, I found that she really just shut down her sexuality because she didn’t feel connected emotionally with her husband and that affected her level of desire.

Though this is not always the case, most women need different things than men need to be turned on.

Using an analogy of a vehicle in motion, author Dr. Emily Nagoski in her book “Come As You Are” explains that there are two parts to “desire” - the brake system and the accelerator system.

Sometimes men work hard to work on a woman’s accelerator the same way that they would operate. But the problem with this is that the woman's brakes are pressed hard at the same time and that car won't go anywhere.

The key is to figure out what your wife's breaks are, help minimize those brakes, and then work on her accelerator.

Every woman is different in what she is dealing with in life but here are a few common things that are "brakes" to a woman's level of desire that you can help with...

Ephesians 5:28: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

1. Chronic Stress & Mental Load

Women’s desire is highly sensitive to stress. When her nervous system is overwhelmed (work, parenting, finances, schedules), the body prioritizes survival over pleasure.

2. Emotional Disconnection

Desire often follows emotional safety. Unresolved conflict, feeling unseen, or lack of daily affection activates the brake system.

3. Feeling Pressured or Obligated

Pressure, explicit or subtle - kills desire. When sex feels expected, owed, or used for reassurance, the brain interprets it as demand, not invitation.

4. Body Image & Self-Consciousness

Shame, comparison, aging, postpartum changes, or past criticism can disconnect a woman from her body as a source of pleasure.

5. Fatigue & Physical Depletion

Exhaustion is not laziness—it’s biological reality. Hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, caregiving, or illness can dramatically suppress desire.

6. Unresolved Sexual Pain, Trauma, or Shame

Past trauma, painful intercourse, purity-culture shame, or confusing messages about sex can keep the nervous system in protection mode.

7. Lack of Non-Sexual Touch

When touch only leads to sex, the body learns to guard itself. Women often need safe, affectionate touch without an agenda to re-open desire.

Discuss this list with your wife and ask her which ones she can relate to. Don't get defensive or take on your own shame. Instead, discuss with her ways you can work on taking off the "brakes" to her desire, so that she can start accelerating her desire for sex, pleasure, and connection.

If you would like more help, or would like to discuss specific ways to turn on your wife reach out to kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi