Remove the Mask

There's a quiet habit that many people carry into relationships, one that feels safe, maybe even necessary. We wear masks, which make us outwardly feel protected, but actually, they cost us the very thing we're trying to preserve.

These emotional masks become a version of ourselves that we present to the world, to even our dating partner, and later our spouse. They make us feel more acceptable. More controlled. Less risky.

It might show up as a smile when you're hurting. A stoic, "I'm fine" when you're really not. It's silence around your struggles, your desires, your past, or your fears.

At first, it might seem like this protective mask is working. It keeps the peace. It avoids conflict. It protects you from rejection. But over time, you start feeling lost. You feel distant and isolated. You might hide shame filled secrets and those might grow because of the shame and hiding you do. You become exhausted by the performance and that exhaustion grows until you want to explode.

This forces your spouse to connect with a version of you that isn't actually really you. And that loss of intimacy is detrimental to your mental health and relationships. If no one can actually have access to the "real" authentic you, then they can't know you and you cannot feel fully known and loved. Instead, you'll fuel the destruction and lie that you aren't loved or really desired for who you are.

Is it possible to take off the mask and be fully known and fully loved? YES!

First, God already sees everything. You're not hiding from Him. And He still loves you, all of you. He will work on changing any areas that are unholy, but He will do it with love and compassion and acceptance of YOU.

To take off the mask with God, simply admit to Him the areas that you feel shame about, if sin is involved, repent of those and walk in a new direction. Don't be afraid to share your emotions to Him, even if they involve confusion and anger. Just be honest and stop holding up a version that might look good on the outside, especially on a Sunday morning in a church pew.

I love Psalm 139, which starts "You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know if completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me." vs1-5

He knows you and what a comfort to know that He loves you just as you are. He designed you and put His plan for your life into your heart.!

After taking off the mask with God, let your real self be seen and known by your spouse. If you're fearful of rejection, seek godly and wise counsel first. Repent to your spouse about any hidden sin and shame, and then slowly start to let your authentic self be seen and loved. It's wise to take baby steps and develop a plan on how to achieve this in an emotionally healthy way.

Choose courage over comfort in your conversations.

Your intimacy will start to grow where truth is fully shared.

Remember that vulnerability is not weakness, it's the gateway to connection with your spouse. Honesty invites healing spiritually and emotionally. You can't build intimacy by being "impressive", you build it by being real. No performing. Just authentic connection. When you practice this level of emotional intimacy, your physical intimacy will grow naturally as well!

This real kind of love doesn't require you to pretend. It allows you to be fully you and loves you despite your shortcomings and failures. It celebrates growth and fosters healthy attitudes and actions in deep relationship.

If you need help with more practical steps on how to overcome any hidden areas of shame, contact me at: kristi@abidinglovecoach.com, I'd love to help.

Love,

Kristi