How Self-Criticism Ruins Intimacy

When you're critical of yourself.......we are focused on YOURSELF. That means your thoughts are not on the emotional connection with your spouse, but rather you're in your head, thoughts swirling around that steal the joy of becoming one flesh with your spouse during intimate moments. And I don't mean just during sex.

What about the times you're cuddling, but your spouse touches your stomach and immediately you freeze because you've started thinking about how that pooch or bulge or roll is perceived by your partner.

What about undressing and making love with the lights on? Do you feel like hiding in the dark and masking your body because you're ashamed?

How comfortable are you with your sexual anatomy? Do you feel it's beautiful, powerful, wonderfully made by God? Or do you criticize, feel embarrassed or like you don't measure up or wonder if you're "normal"?

Do wrinkles on your face, a sagging body make you feel like you regret the aging process, and feel awkward?

Being naked with your spouse is a very vulnerable act. Being in any sexual position or environment with your spouse can feel intimidating.

But what if you let that self-criticism ruin your joy, your connection, and your ability to be present with your own emotional feelings and sensations in your body?

When you are critical of yourself with negative talk, then you steal the ability for you to feel alive. You miss the abundant senses of pleasure that God intended you to have.

These thoughts over time lead to emotional and even physical distance. You might not even be aware of what you're saying to yourself that is negative.

So let's start there. I want you to start with being more mindful of your thoughts you have about yourself. Note them in a journal - how often do you have a self-critical thought of yourself? This includes not just your physical appearance, but your performance or any other area.

Then I want you to evaluate those thoughts. And I want you to measure them against God's Word.

He says you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Read Psalm 139).

Instead of forcing yourself into "fake" affirmations, I want you to just notice what prompted the negative thought in the first place. Dig deep into where that belief comes from. Is it fueled by the media you're putting in front of you? Is it fueled by cultural expectations? From your overall perfectionism struggle? Journal your thoughts on where this comes from. That's the next step. Curiosity instead of criticism.

Next, I'd like you to do a full body scan in front of the mirror. By yourself, look into your own eyes and thank God for the beauty of the person you are that God has created in you. Look neutral at each part, and notice what each body part has accomplished for you. Even think about the parts of yourself you can't see - your spirit, your kindness, your ability to love, your organs, your blood, your bones, your muscles.

Take time each day to focus on a specific body part and thank God for that part. Share with your spouse how you feel about your body, and even when you're ready, invite them to look into the mirror with you as you describe what you see, what you wish was different and why. And then have them do the same with you present.

It's a deeply connecting exercise that helps you connect WITH your spouse over your self-critical struggles, rather than letting those critical thoughts control you and make you turn inward rather than toward your spouse.

If you need deep guidance on this topic, reach out ... I'm here to help.

kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi