15 Questions to Deepen Sexual Intimacy with Your Spouse

Consistently improving sex with your spouse takes a lot of effort. We all know that media paints a picture that is the exact opposite of effort, so sometimes we need to fight the urge to believe amazing sex should come naturally if we love our spouses or have a high sexual drive.

The reality is, that most often, spouses are not aligned on much when it comes to sex long-term in a covenant marriage. Does that mean that marriages are destined for accepting non-existent sexual intimacy, or mediocre sex? Most certainly not. But, like all good things, it takes consistent effort and a lot of good communication to improve sexual intimacy.

In my opinion, the first thing that is required is to have the proper perspective on how God designed sex for spouses to enjoy. This means that it does not look like Hollywood, and that is a good thing! It also means that each sexual experience you have together does not equal the sum of the relationship or the sexual satisfaction within it.

The good news is, that when change occurs in different seasons of marriage such as pregnancy, sickness, aging, etc... you are not destined to be disappointed sexually. It does mean that you get to learn and grow together in new ways, sometimes compromising when needed, and continuing to shift expectations and perspectives when needed.

The way to accomplish most of this is by talking. A Lot. About sex.  For some of you, that might induce feelings of anxiety, or wanting to hide because it's so uncomfortable!!! (especially if you and your spouse do not talk about it at all). Yet for others of you, I'm sure you're up for the challenge because ya'll get turned on together just mentioning the word

s-e-x).

IF you don't know where to start, here are a list of 15 good questions to discuss together. Take turns being the one to initate asking each question. Discuss no more than 3 per day, and make sure you're listening well and state back to your spouse what you believe you undertand their answer to be. Make sure you both answer each question. And maybe consider using the answers as a spring-board to go deeper with more curiosity or follow-up discussions together. Lastly, choose a neutral location that will help you feel relaxed but not pressured together, and not while you're about to consummate that beautiful union together.

1. When do you feel most desired by me? Both sexually and non-sexually?

2. What helps you transition mentally and emotionally from everyday life into being open to sexual intimacy?

3. What is something I do during sex that makes you feel especially connected to me?

4. What kind of touch do you wish we had more of - affectionate, sensual, playful, sexual? Describe what your favorite touch is like, and if there are any ways I touch you that you do not enjoy?

5. How do you most enjoy being invited into sex? What makes the initiation feel loving rather than pressured? (Do I initiate sexual intimacy enough for you? Do I initiate non-sexual intimate touch enough for you?)

6. What tends to shut down your desire, even when you love me and want closeness with me?

7. Is there something you enjoy sexually that you haven't communicated clearly enough to me? Is there anything I could do better to be more receptive to listening and being approachable for you to communicate your sexual desires with me?

8. What helps you feel emotionally and physically safe enough to relax during sex?

9. When sex is really good between us, what is happening besides the physical pleasure? What makes those experiences different?

10. What would you like me to understand better about how your body experiences arousal and pleasure?

11. Are there ways we have fallen into a "sexual routine?" What could we change to bring back curiosity, playfulness, or anticipation?

12. How would you like us to handle the moments when one of us wants sex and the other doesn't? What would help us both still feel loved, respected, and desired?

13. What messages about sex - from family, church, culture, past relationships, or experiences - still affect the way you approach sex with me today?

14. What does sexual intimacy mean to you personally? Is it primarily connection, pleasure, reassurance, play, vulnerability, being desired, stress relief, or something else?

15. If our sexual relationship became healthier and more connected over the next year, what would be different? What is one small thing each of us could begin doing now?

Remember that just like in all areas of marriage, if you are mindful, cultivating growth and connection, then you will bear good fruit. However, things won't just fall into place, and more likely without good intentional work, it will fall apart over time. Keep pressing in to the difficult conversations, protecting your sexual intimacy from apathy, and see it as the gift that God intented for you to both enjoy within marriage.

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me." John 15:4

If you need further guidance, reach out - I'm here. Kristi@abidinglovecoach.com

Love,

Kristi